Sometimes kids really do say the darndest things—and not always in a good way. Bad words out of a child’s mouth sound extra unsettling, don’t they? Read on to find out how to react when kids say something inappropriate in your children’s ministry.

You can’t believe your ears. A child in your care just boisterously belted out an inappropriate word. Gulp. You know your reaction matters—for the speaker and the hearers of that word. If only a kidmin expert could suddenly appear to lend a hand.

Well, Dr. Virginia Brennan and Dr. Valerie Davidson can’t teleport to your classroom. But they can give you some preemptive advice to equip you for the kidmin curve balls that come your way.

Dr. Val and Dr. Virginia are seasoned children’s ministry leaders who became friends through a doctorate program. Now, they cohost the KidMin with Dr. Val & Dr. Virginia podcast, are the brains behind kidmindoctor.com, and regularly speak at ministry conferences and events. In fact, they’ve chimed in on other classroom management topics here on childrensministry.com, like “Help! The Kids Won’t Participate!” and “Help! The Kids Aren’t Paying Attention!”

In this article, Dr. Val and Dr. Virginia give kidmin leaders guidance for how to respond to inappropriate things kids say.

The Doctors Are In!

Here is today’s question:

Dear Dr. Val and Dr. Virginia,

I’m caught completely off guard by curse words that just came out of a child’s mouth. What can I do?

When you hear curse words…stay calm.

Our initial reaction to the child says a lot. Here’s Dr. Virginia’s advice for when a child says a curse word:

“As much as you can, don’t react. Stay calm. As the grown-up, you always want to be the calmest person in the room. So stay calm—as hard as that may be.”

Dr. Virginia continues, “Briefly and quickly correct the word. You might say, ‘[Child’s name] we don’t say that word.’ But don’t give it a big reaction. Instead, treat it as you would any other correction and move on.”

If we have a relationship with the child’s grown-ups, we might look for a quiet moment to tell them about the interaction so they can talk more with the child at home.

If you’re looking for ways to authentically connect with parents in your church, check out these “Super, Natural Ways to Connect With Parents in Your Ministry.”

When you respond to curse words…give grace.

Dr. Val encourages us to model Jesus’ love and grace as we respond. She says, “We have this misconception that if they are in a church, in a Christian school, or in a Christian home, children will never hear curse words, see inappropriate images, or talk about things we would consider inappropriate for their age. And that’s not true. We cannot sanitize our world enough, no matter how hard we try. Kids are going to hear words, see things, and experience situations. It’s just going to happen.”

She continues, “We may react with shock, thinking a big reaction will make kids see that what they’re saying or doing is very wrong. It won’t. Instead, kids will see they’re eliciting a big response. If they’re seeking that attention, you’re giving it to them. The bigger reaction we give them, the more they’re going to be craving that reaction again.”

Dr. Val shared this story about a well-meaning, but overreactive teacher:

“Once a teacher brought a child to me. The teacher was visibly upset, and she said that one of the other children told her this child said the ‘s-word.’ I dismissed the teacher so she could calm down. Then, I calmly sat with the child and asked her to tell me what she said. She had called another little girl stupid. Stupid isn’t a curse word, but it’s not a kind word, either. That little girl needed a calm adult to listen and help rather than overreact and judge.”

Dr. Val continues, “I spent some time with the teacher later. One-on-one, we talked about how kids will say things or do things that need redirection. We don’t know what kids are around or exposed to. We may not know what they hear daily, or what they see. If we are too strong and judgmental in how we work with the kids in our classrooms, they’ll miss seeing the love and the mercy of Christ.”

Prepare for curve balls.

Calm may not be your most natural reaction to curve balls and curse words, especially if we don’t spend much time with children. But kids need emotionally regulated grown-ups who model Jesus’ love and forgiveness. There are very difficult and very shocking things to hear from kids. But as children’s ministry leaders, our goal is to show mercy and love and kindness—even in moments that catch us off guard.

If you’re looking for more information about helping hurting kids, consider the “Helping Hurting Kids” or “Helping Hurting Teenagers” Group U courses available on group.com.

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Meet the Experts!

Dr. Virginia Brennan serves as a kids’ ministry director in Florida. She has a passion for equipping adults with the tools to disciple children well. She speaks at conferences and enjoys investing in children’s ministry leaders. Virginia has a M.A. and Ed.D. in Christian education, with a focus on child development and spiritual formation. When Virginia isn’t podcasting and blogging, you can find her at theme parks with her husband and two kids.

 

Dr. Valerie Davidson has served in Christian education and children’s ministry for over 25 years. As a writer, conference leader, and cohost of the KidMin with Dr. Val and Dr. Virginia podcast, Val has a heart to equip leaders to engage deeply with the Word of God, teach, and lead with clarity and purpose. Val is a fan of theme parks, Star Wars, the em dash, and the oxford comma and can usually be found with a London Fog desperately writing in a coffee shop.

 

Check out their website, www.kidmindoctor.com, and find additional resources at https://linktr.ee/kidmindoctor.