Sometimes in children’s ministry, kids aren’t able or willing to follow your lead. Read on to discover how to respond when kids don’t want to join the fun at VBS or children’s church.

What do we do when kids don’t want to do what we want them to do? Hmmm. The answer may seem as complicated and confusing as the question itself. Let’s face it, leading kids isn’t always a piece of cake. We plan Bible-rich, engaging, and R.E.A.L.ly great lessons, yet some young friends just won’t participate. So when faced with behavior challenges, it’s good to get advice from experts.

Meet Dr. Virginia Brennan and Dr. Valerie Davidson! These seasoned leaders became friends through a doctorate program. Now they cohost the “Kidmin with Dr. Val & Dr. Virginia” podcast, are the brains behind kidmindoctor.com, and regularly speak at ministry conferences and events. They love sharing tips, ideas, and encouragement for children’s ministry.

In this article, Dr. Val and Dr. Virginia give kidmin leaders guidance for when kids refuse to participate. They offer age-level insights on how to support, guide, and extend grace to kids in your care at church.

The Doctors Are In!

Here’s today’s question:

Dear Dr. Val and Dr. Virginia,

Sometimes kids do not want to be at VBS or kids’ church. They cry for their grown-up or simply refuse to participate.  What can we do?

First, let’s tackle this topic with preschoolers in mind.

When Preschoolers Won’t Participate

For preschool, this challenge looks a lot like separation anxiety. Dr. Val shares this insight: “This isn’t an ‘if-this-happens situation,’ it’s a ‘when-this-happens situation.’ Especially with preschoolers, you’re always going to have kids who are there for the first time, aren’t familiar with a new leader, or aren’t in a preschool setting on a regular basis. So when they come to church, this may be one of their first experiences in a classroom.”

Dr. Val reminds children’s ministry leaders that overcoming this challenge always begins with good preparation. Having things ready ahead of time will set you up for success during this challenging moment.

Here are four things that will welcome preschoolers and help them transition through your time together with a little grace and a lot of love!

 #1. Provide options.

Create centers or stations for kids to choose from or revisit when needed. That way, when preschoolers aren’t so sure they want to enter your room, they’ll find something enjoyable to draw them into the classroom environment. Dr. Val says, “Activity options give kids a personal sense of control and choice. Ideally, all the centers and activities tie back to your lesson’s main Bible point. So in everything they do, whether it’s the books that they’re looking at, the coloring sheets, your blocks, or play kitchen items—connect all those options back to the Bible point.”

Hopefully, with several different options, something will pique that child’s interest and ease his worries or wanderings.

Need ideas and Bible connections? Lessons in Group’s Simply Loved curriculum begin with “Opening Options.” These welcoming activities help kids befriend leaders and each other, while introducing the lesson’s Bible Point. (Plus, they’re really fun!) Click here to download free lessons.

 #2. Don’t force it.

Dr. Val says, “I never force a child to participate in an activity. Children’s ministry at church is different than school. We are not a school setting where kids have benchmarks they need to complete by the end of a class period. We want kids to want to come to church and want to be there. So as long as they’re not harming others or causing a disruption, there’s really is no need to force a child to do any one particular thing.”

Dr. Val goes on to remind children’s ministry leaders that activity alternatives help empower kids who just aren’t quite ready to participate with others.

#3. Staff classrooms well.

Volunteer recruitment and training make all the difference! According to Dr. Virginia, “It’s so important to have a well-staffed children’s ministry and make sure you have enough volunteers. There needs to be margin in your volunteers’ capacity so that, when faced with this challenge, they’re able to get down on a child’s level, even physically sitting on the floor next to or on a chair next to them.”

Dr. Virginia continues, “Especially if you’re trying to transition to a new activity and kids aren’t wanting to leave the block station, or stop coloring, or whatever it is they’re doing, volunteers can get on their level and join them in the activity for a bit longer. Just being a calm, steady presence with the child can help to build a relationship.”

Well-staffed ministries give volunteers space and time to befriend kids in their care. Dr. Virginia says, “This is something that Val and I talk about a lot—we have to build relationships with kids. Kids are just like any of us. They’re not going to put a lot of stock into something a stranger or someone they don’t know tells them.”

So if preschoolers don’t automatically listen to your directions, take a deep breath and choose kindness. Because when kids know you care about them, their bodies regulate and their minds calm. Soon, they’ll be ready to engage with the rest of the group.

Need some volunteer recruitment ideas? Check out this article.

#4. Establish a routine and communicate what’s coming next.

Kids crave routine. So a visual schedule may help young kids navigate transitions during your time together. Even if kids can’t read yet, pictures of toys, a Bible, play dough, or snacks will help them see what’s coming next.

Dr. Virginia says, “Sometimes, if a little one is wanting to go back to a parent but the child is calm overall, you can say, ‘OK, we’re about to have our Bible time and then our song time. Let’s do these two things, and if you still want to go back with mom and dad, you can tell me after song time and then we will get them.’ That gives you opportunities to share the Bible content, and gives them a chance to get involved, get engaged, and start participating in the lesson.”

With a smile, Dr. Virginia noted that most times the child won’t even be thinking about mom and dad once they’ve settled in and enjoyed all those things with you. But it honors a child to let them know that you hear them and will help them if they truly do prefer mom and dad.

When Elementary and Preteen Kids Won’t Participate

Now let’s focus on elementary-age kids. Many of the preschool principles apply to them, too. Suggestions just need to be adapted a bit with older kids’ needs in mind.

#1. Set expectations (or rules) and communicate them clearly.

Simple expectations help set the tone for your time with elementary and preteen kids. Something simple like “honor God and honor one another” is a good place to start.

According to Dr. Virginia, clear expectations help you redirect kids’ behaviors. She especially talks about kids’ worship settings. Dr. Virginia says, “Older kids sometimes don’t want to sing and don’t want to participate in the worship times. I tell kids every Sunday, ‘You may not feel like singing today, and that’s OK. But during this time, we’re worshiping God. We’re honoring God. And that’s one of our values.’ I ask that everyone at least stands up during our worship time. And if kids don’t feel like singing, that’s OK.”

Dr. Virginia continues, “It’s also good to communicate why your values are important. In this scenario, you could remind kids that worship is a time to honor God. If you have friends who want to sing during this time, please don’t distract them by talking or goofing off.”

Children’s ministry leaders or volunteers may feel like a failure if kids don’t follow their every direction or behave just so. But that’s not true! Kids’ behaviors aren’t a reflection of your teaching skills. Trust that God is always at work, even in mysterious ways!

In Group’s Be Bold preteen curriculum, each lesson begins with a values statement. They’re even available on a poster! They are: “You are accepted just as you are.” “We respect each other’s thoughts and struggles.” “We’re all in this together.” And “God is here, ready to be your friend because you matter.”

Similarly, in Group’s All Together Sunday School lesson books, kids and their leaders say this interactive prayer together to begin each lesson. Notice how it sets expectations for time together.

Dear God,

May we love [make the shape of a heart with your hands]

you and each other. (“All together!”)

May we listen [cup hand behind ear]

to you and each other. (“All together!”)

May we learn [point to brain]

about you and each other. (“All together!”)

May we laugh and have fun [high-five a friend]

with you and each other. (“All together!”)

Thanks for bringing us (“All together!”) today. Amen.

#2. Focus on friendship-building.

Dr. Val notes that, especially with elementary kids, friendships are key. Getting to know kids, learning about them, and letting them share the things that they love to do makes all the difference. Remember, you’re not just a Sunday school or VBS teacher, you’re a learner, too! Kids have a lot to teach adults, and they’re worth getting to know.

Looking for some easy friendship building activities to try with kids of all ages? Check out this article.

#3. Have backup activities handy.

Let’s say an elementary kid can’t or won’t participate with the rest of the group—for a variety of reasons. It’s good to give that child something else to do. Perhaps it’s a special job or another activity. Dr. Val gives some examples: “That a child can sit and do a puzzle, or some sort of art project, or a craft activity—something that they can do quietly if they don’t want to play in the large group activity.”

Dr. Val continues, “I’ve had a lot of people over the years say, ‘Well, it’s not fair for kids to do something different when the rest of the room is doing an activity.’ But honestly, it has been my experience that if you have a child whose big behaviors constantly disrupt the classroom, the rest of the kids understand that. They can sense it. And they’re glad their classmate has something else to do.”

Often, after a few quiet moments gathering themselves, kids may realize they’d rather participate with their friends after all. They just need a little space and grace to get ready.

Our friends at Ministry Spark offer 52 FREE Bible Coloring Pages for Kids from Popular Stories. Plus, David C Cook offers The Big Book of Amazing Bible Activities. Consider adding some to your classroom supply boxes so they’re ready for kids who need a moment or two.

The Golden Rule

In Luke 6:27-36, Jesus talks about loving enemies. Rest assured, the kids you lead are not out to get you! They’re your young friends!

Yet Jesus’ words in verse 31 apply to them as well. “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Remember this Golden Rule when faced with obstinate or unregulated behavior. How would you like to be treated when you’re in a new place? When you’ve had a tough morning? When you’d rather not?

You’d probably like some patience. Kind words. A calm presence. Maybe a little space and grace. Those are gifts you’re ready to give to children, too. May God guide and bless you as you do!

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Dr. Virginia Brennan serves as a kids’ ministry director in Florida. She has a passion for equipping adults with the tools to disciple children well. She speaks at conferences and enjoys investing in children’s ministry leaders. Virginia has a M.A. and Ed.D. in Christian education, with a focus on child development and spiritual formation. When Virginia isn’t podcasting and blogging, you can find her at theme parks with her husband and two kids.

 

Dr. Valerie Davidson has served in Christian education and children’s ministry for over 25 years. As a writer, conference leader, and cohost of the KidMin with Dr. Val and Dr. Virginia podcast, Val has a heart to equip leaders to engage deeply with the Word of God, teach, and lead with clarity and purpose. Val is a fan of theme parks, Star Wars, the em dash, and the oxford comma and can usually be found with a London Fog desperately writing in a coffee shop.

 

Check out their website, www.kidmindoctor.com, and find additional resources at https://linktr.ee/kidmindoctor.