6 Critical Reminders for Ministering to Children of Divorce
“United we stand, divided we fall.” How many times have you heard this phrase that pertains to kingdoms, governments, businesses, churches, and even families experiencing divorce?
The Bible talks about divisions a lot. And in Matthew 12:25, Jesus references kingdoms, towns, and households: “Jesus knew their thoughts and replied, ‘Any kingdom divided by civil war is doomed. A town or family splintered by feuding will fall apart.’ ” In Mark 3:25, we find this: “Similarly, a family splintered by feuding will fall apart.”
It’s true: When we stand together and unite, we’re stronger. Divided, we’re weaker. When a family is divided by divorce, the division literally causes the death of the once-intact family. It affects every person in the family in a profound way. But what happens to the children in a divided family? Many of these children say they feel confused—wandering around, always seeking their family that no longer exists. They feel adrift, lost, hurt.
There are several things those of us in children’s ministry can do to support kids as they acclimate to a separated family situation. Here are six critical things to keep in mind as you help these kids survive and move forward in their lives and faith.
1. The home and family that children once knew and lived in no longer exist.
There are now two separate homes with two separate addresses. Whatever the custody arrangements are, the family now looks different with different people living in each home.
Some children may have a parent who begins to date right after the divorce. The child’s imagination begins to take over. All kinds of scenarios spring to mind—none of which is one the child wants. The child wants the parents to reunite in one house.
Children may begin to see people coming and going in and out of their lives as parents date, break up, and date again. Children often begin to wonder exactly where they fit into all of these scenarios. Will they be lost and forgotten as the parents move on with their new lives, new relationships, and new homes? Will the child simply disappear?
In his book The Children of Divorce, author Andrew Root says that many times because of the loss of the family, the child feels a “loss of being.” If the union that created the child no longer exists, where does that leave the child? “Divorce is a threat to a child’s very ontology, to his or her very being.” Divorce can shake a child to the very core of his or her existence. Andrew, whose own parents divorced, says, “When divorce strikes, it impacts young people at the level of their lived world.” In other words, divorce strikes at the child’s identity, including his or her self-concept and self-esteem.
From My Personal Experience With Divorce
My son was only 7 when his dad moved out, and he experienced thinking he might no longer exist after my divorce. One day he said to me, “Mom, what happens when you disappear?” I was taken aback and asked him what he meant. He went on to say, “Well, one day I saw a moving van at that house across the street. I asked that man what happened to my friends. He said the parents got a divorce. I looked in the window and the house was empty. They were just gone, and I never saw them again. They disappeared. Then when Ben’s parents got a divorce, he disappeared, too. Ben was at school on Friday, and then on Monday, he was gone. He told me the week before his parents were getting a divorce. I don’t want to disappear. I mean, what happens when you’re just gone?”
If only I’d read Andrew Root’s book back then. I had no idea what all was going on in my child’s mind. If only I had understood, it could have lessened his anxiety.
As children’s ministers, we can assure these children that we see them and that they will never disappear to us. Let children know you’re praying for them, ask them about their day-to-day lives, remember their interests, and demonstrate your genuine care and concern for them. Help them feel anything but invisible to you.
2. Divorce can affect children’s understanding of the Bible and may subsequently cause them to question their spirituality.
What’s happening in children’s minds and lives are often split into two different and sometimes opposing directions. Children must absorb biblical teaching and truths—and then figure out how it all applies to their situation. Consider these complex situations kids must reason through:
- “God doesn’t believe in divorce, but my parents are divorced.”
- “Is God is real? Because if he is, why didn’t he stop my parents from divorcing?”
- “If my parent left, how can I trust God to not leave me, too?
- “Did Jesus actually love me enough to die on the cross for my sins? My parent didn’t love me enough to stick around.”
Sometimes the hard reality is that one—or maybe both—parents are no longer outwardly expressing a relationship with Jesus. This can shake the child’s spiritual foundation. The child may think, “Mom used to love Jesus, but now she lives like she doesn’t. Does that mean I can lose my faith, too?”
We must remember children’s individual situations when we relate biblical truths and events to them. Are we unintentionally communicating to them that they or their families no longer fit in God’s family? Sometimes simply asking clarifying questions will help us relate to children on a personal level, and sometimes a private conversation will shine light on a topic the child is struggling to understand. It’s vital to communicate God’s ongoing love and forgiveness.
3. Children of divorce need to know it’s okay to celebrate traditional holidays in nontraditional and unconventional ways.
Christmas is a holiday most often celebrated with family, and families often have special traditions or rituals at this time of year. In my family, we always celebrated Christmas Day at my in-laws’ house. We’d go there after our little family had unwrapped gifts. I took my famous cherry crunch and then helped Grandma make traditional fruit salad and do whatever else she assigned me to do.
After my divorce, it was weird for the kids to go to Grandma’s house with their dad while I sat home alone on Christmas Day. They’d come home and complain about how bad the cherry crunch tasted because Grandma had tried to make it without sugar. They’d tell me about the fruit salad and how it tasted different because I wasn’t there. Something like fruit salad made by someone else was something that impacted my kids greatly. Changes to traditions feel destabilizing to kids, even changes that my seem trivial at first glance.
Other holidays change, too. Maybe the Easter egg hunt they attended as a family is gone. Or maybe Valentine’s Day feels all wrong because the valentine exchange isn’t what it used to be. As you celebrate various holidays at church, remember that to children of divorce, holidays can be excruciatingly painful and full of memories of happier times.
While we celebrate the holidays at church and in our everyday lives, children of divorce now live in a house divided beyond the holidays. Every holiday and special celebration from now on will be a continual reminder that the home where they discovered their joy in holidays isn’t a part of their life anymore. Don’t assume all children will want to participate in the same jovial way. Find ways to allow all kids to join in celebrations that are comfortable and positive experiences. Encourage them to find new ways to celebrate, too.
4. Children’s most important relationships have seismically shifted, and they may need help in developing solid and loving relationships.
Here’s a stark truth we must all understand: divorce, more often than not, leaves children feeling wounded by parents—the people children trust most implicitly. In Brian Dollar’s book Talk Now and Later, he says about divorce: “When their security crumbles, children may put up walls and refuse to trust anyone, even those who are the most stable, loving people in their lives.”
This lack of trust can carry over into relationships at church. These children may not trust the caring adults in their ministry or small group. We must make intentional efforts to garner their trust—and then follow through by being consistent and reliable.
These children need church leaders, children’s ministers, and volunteers who know their names and form relationships with them. They need us to model what loving and solid relationships look like. This can include your relationship with other church leaders, with other children in your ministry, and with your family.
5. Children have an innate desire to belong—but children of divorce often don’t feel like they belong anywhere.
Children of divorce may wonder where they fit in. For these children, it’s absolutely critical to offer genuine welcome in your ministry. Many of them don’t feel like they belong at home because Mom might be stressed and just trying to survive the divorce herself. Children may feel they don’t belong at Dad’s along with his new girlfriend and her kids. They no longer feel like they belong at Grandma’s because she’s mad at Mom for divorcing Dad. These are only a few possible scenarios, but to these children, life is often “messed up” and they don’t seem to belong anywhere anymore.
When children feel out of place, they sometimes react by causing problems. Discipline issues can crop up simply because to feel like they belong, kids will do anything to get attention. Acting out gets them a lot of attention. And if the behavior isn’t addressed quickly, it becomes the pattern they use to reap much-needed attention. This attention—even though it’s negative—helps them feel they belong in the group.
6. Children need hope.
Of these six critical things you can do to minister to the child of divorce, the most important is to offer hope. And there is no greater hope to instill than that of Jesus’ trustworthy, authentically unconditional love.
Nurture and support each child’s personal relationship with Jesus to cultivate deep understanding and acceptance of God’s love. Help children know and believe God will never leave or forsake them. Introduce kids to a personal Savior, Jesus. Pray for kids and with kids. Share your faith story and how you’ve discovered Jesus is who he says he is. And stay in it for the long haul. Too many people come in and out of these kids’ lives. They need to know you will be there a year from now, five years from now, and even as they age out of your ministry.
As with all kids—not just those navigating life after parents’ divorce—if you sense hopelessness or observe signs of serious mental or physical distress, involve your ministry leaders to decide on proper next steps. Protect the families and children by upholding confidentiality outside of your ministry, but you also have a responsibility to get them connected to help when there’s concern about children’s health, well-being, and safety.
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