Are you married to your ministry? Take our quiz and see. Plus, check out our insights for upholding the commitment you made to your spouse, yourself, friends, and family while also impacting children and families in your church. (P.S. Take the quiz at the end of this article to determine if you are “Married to your Ministry.”) 

Married to the Ministry: Find the Balance Between Work and Family

Can we be a success at our ministry and our marriage? Ministry and a healthy personal life? Do we even have to choose? Dr. Alan Loy McGinnis, author of The Balanced Life: Achieving Success in Work and Love, says that you can have it all! Our work and family actually need each other. Your home is generally happy and healthy when your work is successful, and your ministry succeeds when you have a healthy home!

Dr. McGinnis notes four laws of success for career and marriage that form the basis of a balanced life.

Law #1: Commitment

Reject lines of thought that lead to asking, “Who will I have to neglect today?”

Instead, commit to making both areas of our life successful. After all, God calls us to be faithful  to people in our families and in our ministry. Those who live only to work may excel for a short time, but they’ll burn out because they lack support. Yet those who live only for their family run the risk of isolation, moral superiority, and social stagnation.

You can persevere through intense work stress if you have healthy relationships outside the church—whether those come from family at home or authentic friends. These committed relationships can keep us steady.

Law #2: Discipline

Marriages often go awry because the spouses haven’t learned self-discipline. If you’re a workaholic by nature, ask your spouse to help you exercise more discipline over your work habits.

“Being a workaholic doesn’t just mean being a hard worker,” says Bryan E. Robinson, a psychotherapist and professor at the University of North Carolina who studied people’s work habits. He’s also the author of the book Chained to the Desk: A Guidebook for Workaholics, Their Partners and Children, and the Clinicians Who Treat Them.

Robinson calls workaholism the best-dressed addiction because it’s often rewarded—at least in the short term—and is seen as a positive attribute by people who don’t understand the destruction it can cause. Sometimes staying long hours at the church can allow people to avoid issues at home. In The Time Bind, Arlie Hochschild notes that although people say they feel guilty about not spending more time at home, they actually view their job as an escape.

OK, that’s the dark side of overworking. But the reality is that long hours aren’t a definite sign of an addiction. You may be putting in long hours because it’s crunch time on your church’s calendar. If so, it’s important to tell your family, “Look, I’m going to be spending a lot of time this week at church because of vacation Bible school, so I’ll make it up to you and we’ll head out on vacation in two weeks.”

Then hold yourself to that plan for a breather—for your sake and your family’s.

Law #3: Collaboration

Talk about your work at home. Having a partner who supports you is a powerful force in helping you reach your goals. Keep the conversation on a positive note so that dinnertime doesn’t become a gripe session about church problems. That’ll pull family members down. It’s great for your kids to hear about your accomplishments and see that it helps you to talk out your challenges with your spouse. That makes your children feel secure. If they see that you and your spouse support each other, that you’re there for one another in success and in failure, then they’ll learn a lot about how a healthy marriage and family work. Plus it might give you the solution that has eluded you.

Communication at home can and should occur on three levels, according to McGinnis. Each level reveals a more intimate and effective form of communication.

• Level 1
  • Most couples limit their conversations to straight facts, the least-revealing level of communication.
  • Example: “Pastor Dan is presenting his new service proposal to the board next Tuesday.”
• Level 2:
  • The second level, which goes deeper, is sharing opinions.
  • Example: “I don’t think this new service is going to work.”
• Level 3:
  • The deepest and most meaningful talk involves sharing feelings.
  • Example: “If Pastor Dan’s new service idea is accepted, my opposition will cause the board to think I’m against progress, but it’s just that I’m afraid of stretching our already overwhelmed volunteers.”

Law #4: Adaptability

As your career and marriage grow, it helps to correct any faulty assumptions. For example, you must discover and accept that Christian marriages aren’t perfect, even when we may feel like God hand-picked our spouse. Without the investment of new energy, any marriage will soon disintegrate. To prevent that, adapt in some way. Choose to change and do whatever you can to meet your mate’s needs as your relationship grows.

Joined Together

You can be successful at having a healthy and thriving children’s ministry and marriage. Here are some tips for balancing priorities communicating your boundaries.

1. Show your church that your marriage and family are a priority.

Because everyone’s family is different, what you show your church about your family will be different from what someone else shows their church. But here are a few questions to help you consider if you’re tangibly expressing that your family is a priority:

• Do you put family photos on your desk at work?
• Do you practice “do not disturb” hours (i.e., not checking or responding to work emails or text messages)?
• Do you block out family commitments on your work calendar to protect those times?
• Are your nights away from your family limited to no more than three per week?
• Do you put your family’s annual vacation in your staff planning calendar to tangibly display your family time.

2. Show your spouse and children that your ministry is a priority.

When there’s a church function, include your family in the planning and execution of the event. Your family isn’t ornamentation to an event; they’re an extension of who you are. Model, very clearly, that your family knows you have a public ministry and that they’re a part of it.

3. Advertise your schedule.

Consider setting clear boundaries by making (and sticking to) a consistent work schedule. For your convenience in meeting with me, my schedule is as follows:

• Monday: Office hours in morning; staff meeting 11:30 a.m. to 2 p.m.; office hours in afternoon.
• Tuesday: Office hours all day.
• Wednesday: Not available—Study/prayer day.
• Thursday: Office hours in morning and afternoon.
• Friday: Not available—Day off (please call the church office with any emergencies).
• Weekday (M-F) Evenings: Available by appointment, though limited to three evenings for meetings or appointments.
• Please call the church office to schedule an appointment as “office” hours aren’t always spent “in” the office.
• Saturday and Sunday mornings/afternoons: Available by appointment.
• Saturday evening: Not available—reserved for Sunday preparations;

4. Don’t give up when the balance moves.

When making choices to balance your marriage (and/or personal life) and ministry, it’s bound to be more of a sliding scale than a static, unwavering one. After all, what two days are truly ever exactly the same? The key thing is leaning on God to strike the right balance in each season of your life. Ask God to show you what to let go of, even temporarily, so he can lead you into the peace you and your family need.

Take the Test

Use this exercise to measure the degree of balance you have between the demands of work, family responsibilities, and personal time. Answer each question with a number from 1 to 5 (5 = always and 1 = never).

At Home

_____ Does your family complain that you don’t spend enough time with them?

_____ Do you make your family sit in the front row during worship service so the church will see them?

_____ Do you often feel anxious about the demands of your family?

_____ Does the church’s Wednesday night meal double as your family dinner?

_____ Do responsibilities at home make you resentful?

_____ Does the fifth and sixth grade “fun night” double as your monthly family night?

_____ Do you check your voicemail or email more than once a week when you’re on vacation?

_____ Do you expect your family to adapt to your career needs?

_____ Have you ever cut short a vacation for an emergency at church?

_____ Do you ever spend your family vacation catching up on responsibilities at home?

_____ Subtotal 

At Work

_____ Do you feel frustrated because your income isn’t enough?

_____ Do you feel guilty about the time you spend on your career?

_____ Is your “day off” constantly spent working?

_____ Do you resent having to bring work home?

_____ Do you worry that your work interferes with family needs?

_____ Subtotal

Personal

_____ Does it feel there’s never enough time for yourself?

_____ Do you feel guilty about taking a vacation?

_____ Do you wish you could get more exercise?

_____ Does preparation for your Sunday school lesson double as your daily devotion?

_____ Do you feel you never get to do what you like to do?

_____ Subtotal

_____ Total

The lower your score the better! Your total score indicates…

• 51 to 100 shows that you’re barely managing the juggling act of home, career, and personal needs. Talking with a Christian counselor or life coach may breathe new life, strategy, and strength into your rhythm.
• 41 to 50 indicates a fair balance. However, one or more of the areas of your life may be suffering from neglect.
• 31 to 40 indicates a good balance with some need for improvement. You’re on your way to making every area a priority.
• Less than 30 indicates that you’ve learned to balance family, career, and personal needs successfully. Good job! Keep it up!
• A high score in only one area indicates a need to organize that one area so it takes less of your time and energy.

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If finding balance in ministry feels hard, you’re not alone! Read our article, “Leadership: Why You Need to Set Boundaries,” to discover more tips on finding a healthy balance between your ministry and your personal life. And make sure to follow us on Facebook for daily encouragement and tips.