Is Your Church the Friendliest Place in Town?

If your church is the friendliest place in town, you’re the exception—according to exclusive research conducted by the childrensministry.com team.

We asked more than 750 churched and non-churched people in the U.S. to name the friendliest place in town. Home was overwhelmingly the #1 place (that’s good to hear!). Church was an anemic second; only 17 percent of people surveyed said they consider church to be the friendliest place in town. Hmm…an opportunity for improvement.

“The church has to find ways to reach our youngest generations, to help faith become relevant to them, and to meet them where they are (which likely means unconventional ways of doing church), and to bring them into a meaningful relationship with Christ,” says Gia Garey, Group Life Ministry Connections Director at the United Methodist Church of the Resurrection in Leawood, Kansas.

What can you do? We asked children’s ministers at churches with a friendly reputation to share how they’ve become exceptional in the top-5 qualities of a friendly church.

1. Belonging

Here’s what friendly churches do to help children feel like they belong.

Someone Like Me

A sense of belonging starts in the parking lot at 12Stone Church in Lawrenceville, Georgia. Children’s pastor Eric Echols says, “Once parents pull onto our property, they’re directed to park in our designated ‘children’s ministry parking lot.’ When they get out of their vehicle, they’re surrounded by other families with kids in tow, which lets them know they’re not alone. Immediately they realize they can identify with the majority of families at 12Stone Church, and this creates a sense of belonging.”

The Buddy System

Every week, the children’s ministry at NewLife Community Church in Fredericktown, Ohio, attracts two or three new kids. “Getting kids to feel like they belong at our church from their very first moment isn’t an easy task,” says Janet Anthony, NewLife’s children’s director. “If they know anyone else in the class, we pair them up to sit together; if not, we introduce them to a couple of kids who’ll help them get acclimated.”

Intentional Connections

Elementary small groups at 12Stone begin each week with a “What’s Up?” segment. Echols explains, “Because we teach the Bible story during our large group time, the main role of our small group leaders is to build community and create connections with the kids. Kids are allowed to talk about what they’re learning and how they’re developing a relationship with God.”

Consistent Leaders

When children come to your ministry and see the same teachers or leaders every time, they have a stronger sense of belonging than if those people change from week to week. A friendly face can be very reassuring. “We’ve found that consistency is fundamental to making kids feel like they belong,” says Echols. “A bond is formed between the kids and the leader which opens up the door for us to pour into the lives of our kids.”

Friendship Ties

Kids need connections to other kids to feel that they belong. If Anthony finds a child who doesn’t have any particularly strong friendships in her ministry, she creates a recreational event—a themed party at the church, trip to a sports event, or camping trip-for the child’s age level and interests to create ties of friendship.

“Take David* for example,” Anthony remembers. “At age 10, David was new to our church and hated coming down to kids’ worship…So I planned a trip for 4th through 6th graders to a local arcade with mini golf and go-karts. David loved it and came away knowing a couple of boys from the trip much better. No longer did he have to be coaxed to go to kids’ worship.”

*Name changed for privacy.

2. Comfort Zone

How can we make our children’s ministries a place where children feel comfortable? Check out these comfy ideas.

Speaking Their Language

One of the best ways to help kids feel comfortable is to be able to talk about what interests them. More important than knowing what’s hot and what’s not in today’s culture, get to know what each child in your ministry is into. Remember that pop culture trends change quickly and don’t always apply to all kids. What’s most important to children is that you know about them, personally.

Just-My-Size Environments

When children enter a room, the first thing they do is look to see if there’s something there for them. If not, their sense of comfort goes out the window. “Kids will feel comfortable, safe, and secure in an environment that’s child-friendly,” says Carmen Kamrath, a former associate editor at Group Publishing with over 20 years’ experience in children’s ministry. “Furniture that’s their size, toys, and colors all can provide a welcoming environment for them. When children enter a room that’s obviously meant just for them with welcoming and child-friendly colors, sizes, and decorations, they’re much more likely to quickly feel at ease and comfortable.”

3. Relaxed Fit

Those of us who work in the church often feel pretty relaxed there. For guests, though, the church we love so much can seem pretty daunting and foreign. To make our ministries the friendliest place in town, we have to help children and families feel at ease as they worship.

Personal Space

Don’t overwhelm guests with too much friendliness. A handshake is fine; a hug right away could be too much for many. For children, encourage your staff to discern what kids are comfortable with. A wave or a high five? Every person has personal space you must honor. That very much includes children. Never force kids to hug or make any physical contact they’re not comfortable with.

Be available to answer questions, but don’t hover. Initiate conversation but keep it light and friendly rather than diving into deep conversations immediately. Too much too soon can be off-putting.

Personal Connections

“Helping kids feel comfortable or at ease means they begin to trust you and respect you. One-on-one conversation with them helps, but I’ve found once we get involved more deeply, they begin to feel connected,” says Anthony. “I draw in new kids by making personal phone calls to invite them to events we’re sponsoring that may be of interest to them. I take advantage of any opportunity to personally stop by their house [with parent’s approval]. Personal appearances at their home or at school/sports events helps them know you consider them to be more than just another kid at your church. Living life alongside them in many different situations creates relationship.”

In most churches, this kind of personal attention must be everyone’s job—not just the children’s ministry director. In a day and age when online social networking is a prime way people connect, every teacher or small group leader taking the extra mile to connect in person will capture kids’ and families’ hearts. Just text or call ahead before you show up!

4. Talk to Me

The fourth aspect of a friendly ministry goes way beyond small talk; it’s about conversation. Here are ways to create meaningful conversations for kids.

Conversation

Plan ways for kids to talk to one another. Anthony says, “Opportunities for kids to talk with each other in pairs or groups of three during class time develops the relational dimension even more. Discussion gives them time for conversation with peers, helping them to share more deeply their ideas and opinions.”

Small Groups

Friendly churches affirm that small groups are a critical element in making your ministry welcoming to children. Anthony explains why: “To give kids deeper relationships at church, we’ve recruited small group leaders who consistently volunteer their time each month to lead a small group of kids during worship time. Through discussion and activities related to the lesson, they reach deeper into the lives of kids in their group both personally and spiritually.”

And small means small—no more than six in a group at church, including the leader. Small groups that are genuinely small ensure volunteer retention. Ali Thompson, an Executive Editor of Group’s Sunday school curriculum, explains why: “Small groups this size help kids participate more in discussions. They’ll discover more about their faith, and that results in what every leader needs for motivation. With smaller groups they can make a bigger difference and see it more clearly as they get to know each child more personally. And a bonus is that discipline issues won’t arise as much in small groups. When they do, it’s less overwhelming for the leader to tackle the problem.”

Facilities

The 12Stone team designed their church with large lobby areas where people can gather and engage in conversation. “We designed a play area where parents and children gather before and after services to hang out and talk,” Echols says. “We even have a Starbucks in our lobby, along with living room environments, where people can grab a cup of coffee and talk. Being a large church, we know the value of making the church smaller by creating multiple areas throughout our facility that are conducive to having conversations.” You don’t have to hire an architect to make conversation happen; simply add comfortable seating, a pot of coffee for adults, and snack options for kids. Then encourage your staff to hang out as long as people want.

5. Miles of Smiles

The fifth-and last-ingredient for a friendly church is a genuine smile. It’s not that we have to train people to smile; we simply need to place greeters where their smiles will shine. And watch the contagious nature of a smile after that!

Goodbyes

Ministries have usually perfected the first 10 minutes of friendliness. Church growth experts are finding, though, that the first 10 minutes may not be the most important. Dr. Charles Arn, president of Church Growth, Inc., says in an Off the Agenda blog interview: “We also asked the focus groups when they decided that the church was friendly or not. From the answers we got, there’s a 10-minute window that’s loaded with opportunities for a church to make a good impression. And it wasn’t the 10 minutes I expected…More than any other time, folks said, ‘I decided this was a friendly church in the 10 minutes following the conclusion of the service.’ Many feel that’s the first time people are free to be themselves.” How friendly is your church ministry in the last 10 minutes when parents are frantically retrieving their children?

Fun, Fun, Fun

The best way to put a smile on a child’s face is to create a ministry that’s enjoyable. Add humor. Play with kids. When kids go home and tell their parents what a great time they had, that’ll put a smile on parents’ faces too!

And there you have it! Your church may not be the #1 friendliest place in town—yet! But if you add these five key things that our research confirms, your church will be well on the way.

Christine Yount Jones was formerly the executive editor for Children’s Ministry Magazine at Group Publishing and has been accused of smiling too much!

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