What You Need to Know About Bullying

Bullying. You may hear this word a lot. What is it, exactly? When does unkind behavior cross the line and become bullying? How can we help kids who are bullied? What questions do we ask to know what’s going on? It’s complex. So we asked Dave Flowers, a marriage and family therapist, to help us understand. Read on to gain practical insights on what bullying is and how we can help kids.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) defines bullying as “any unwanted aggressive behavior(s) by another youth or group of youths, who are not siblings or current dating partners, that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance, and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated. Bullying may inflict harm or distress on the targeted youth including physical, psychological, social, or educational harm.”

Understand Types of Bullying

Bullying can present itself in several ways:

Relational Bullying (or face-to-face): Spreading rumors and encouraging social isolation.
Physical Bullying: Hitting, kicking, and shoving.
Verbal Bullying: Name-calling and threatening.
Cyberbullying: Verbal or relational bullying that takes place on a digital medium.

That’s a lot. Definitions and categories help us to put a language to what we are experiencing, but sometimes we can get lost in the details. Put simply, bullying describes actions from one to another with ill-intent, for the purpose of increasing the power of the perpetrator.

Recognize Today’s Challenges

R.S. Kenney researched bullying trends in the United States and suggests that “cyberbullying is currently on the rise”, while “verbal and physical bullying victimization and face-to-face bullying perpetration have significantly declined over time.” This is not surprising when we consider that more adolescents are connecting socially using online platforms. Another notable shift is that “bullying trends vary by gender and age, with face-to-face bullying declining among boys and increasing among girls, and younger adolescents report significantly less bullying involvement than older adolescents.”

As people who care for kids, we need to recognize that the challenges we experienced with our childhood peers may not look like the challenges children today experience with theirs. Technology, social norms, and a host of other influences have changed the way we live, and the change is not slowing. It can be difficult for parents and caregivers to navigate these changes. How can we engage well with children about this problem?

Help Children Deal With Bullying

Share these tips with children to help them “diffuse” bullying:

Don’t take the bait.

Remind children that they hold just as much power as those who would try to take it from them. Many times, children who seek to take power away from others will “test” a potential victim to see what kind of response they get. If they get the response they want (some form of emotional reactivity), then the bullying typically continues. When bullying happens face-to-face, encourage kids to respond firmly and confidently, even when scared.

Responding with “What did you say to me?” or “It’s not okay for you to talk to me like that” shows resolve, without escalating the situation. Simply walking away from bullies can show them that they don’t have power over you. We can help children choose responses that protect their power and diffuse others’ attempts to take it.

Conversely, with cyberbullying, it is important to not respond at all. Help children block all communications with the perpetrator, and save all evidence (emails, messages, pictures, and so on) for use if needed at a later time. Talk to kids about not taking the bait and not giving their power away.

Break the button.

When we’re bothered by others’ behavior, we might say that they “are pushing my buttons!” Sometimes the best thing to do is get rid of the buttons so they can’t be pushed in the first place. But not responding with emotional reactivity is easier said than done, right? We have a hard time with this as adults, so how do we help children to not react?

When others know how to “push our buttons” and get a reaction, one way to get them to stop is to simply break the button. Our buttons get pushed, and we respond predictably. So let’s be unpredictable. We break the buttons when we choose not to react in the moment then deal with the problem appropriately later. Just giving your child this mental image can let them know that reacting is a choice they don’t have to make.

Ask for help.

Occasionally, children encounter those who are, in fact, not able to stop and who continue to push the broken button. Or they are faced with bullying that crosses the line into dangerous and/or unlawful behavior. When this happens, an adult needs to become involved. Children need parents, teachers, school counselors, and church leaders to:

Advocate for them and talk to people who can help on their behalf.
Help them to understand that they’re not alone and that they have someone they can count on.
Assure kids that it’s not a shameful thing to be bullied, and that they’re not the ones in the wrong.
Find the balance between teaching children how to handle conflict and also knowing when to step in when we’re needed.

Equip Kids Before Bullying Begins

It’s important to talk with kids about the power they have over themselves and God’s power that’s at work in them. Every time we tell kids that God loves them just the way they are, we’re giving them powerful truth that won’t be easily overpowered. Ministry to children gives kids and families tools they need to face a bully. As you talk with kids, listen for hints that they’re questioning their value and worth.

Sometimes, the unkind and untrue things that people say about us get internalized, and we begin to believe them ourselves. When a child says something negative or demeaning about him or herself, ask, “Who told you that?” or, “Where did you hear that?” They may have come to this conclusion on their own, but you may get more information by wondering out loud in this way instead of simply disagreeing with their statement.

Before bullying starts, prepare kids by thinking of scenarios they might face in life. Play, “What would you do?” With younger children, come up with scenarios that help them to practice responding appropriately to bad behavior. Help them when needed, but make it fun! Some scenarios can be serious, and some of them funny. “What would you do…if someone in your class told everyone something really embarrassing about you that wasn’t even true?” And then, allow the child to answer. “What would you do…if grandma stole our dog and wouldn’t give her back?” Take turns and have them come up with scenarios for you to respond.

Support Kids Who Face Bullying

If you suspect that a child is being bullied but embarrassed to talk about it, connect with them first before asking questions. “You know, when I was about your age, there was this kid in my class who would make fun of my clothes in front of everyone. One time, he kicked me and it really hurt. I felt so bad about what was happening that I didn’t want to go to school. I wonder if you’ve ever felt that way.” Connecting first can help children feel less alone, and less “cornered” by probing questions.

How can I help? If you know that a child is being bullied, the child may not know how to answer this question. But, asking it communicates that:

Listening to their concerns is important to you.
You believe they’re capable of coming up with solutions on their own.
You truly care, and you can be counted on if they need help. “Help” in some cases may look like giving them ideas to deal with the situation. In other cases, it may require more of your own personal involvement.

Remember Who You Are

Whether you’re a grown-up reading this article, or a kid who’s navigating tough stuff, God loves you. When you trust Jesus, you’re a child of God. And the Holy Spirit is your helper and guide. Those truths really matter when we, or the kids we love, face tough stuff like bullying.

Reflect on this truth: We are made by God in the image and likeness of God. Of all that was created by God, people are the ones created in his own image and likeness. It wasn’t the trees, the birds, the animals, or anything else among the living. It was us. We all have great value and are worthy of dignity and respect. Unfortunately, people don’t always treat each other with the respect God intends. It’s part of the brokenness that we all experience as humans on this earth. There are healthy ways that we can respond to this, and we also hold the assured hope that God has “overcome the world” (John 16:33). In this, we have peace, and we can take courage.

May we all carry ourselves in light of the value God places on us. May we treat others well and expect to be treated well by others. And may we teach children to do the same.

Looking for more helpful insights on addressing bullying when it happens at church? Check out these 7 Tips for Responding to Bullying in Your Ministry.

Also be sure to check out Group’s Group U course on Helping Hurting Kids, a children’s ministry leadership training course that helps you explore hurts that kids and their families carry, and consider effective ways to come alongside families who need help.

Dave Flowers is a marriage and family therapist intern based in Franklin, TN. Dave has a passion for helping families find healing from previous hurts, cope and move through current life difficulties, and prepare for a healthy future. He works with children and young adults who are dealing with trauma, ADHD, anxiety, depression, and grief/loss. As a parent himself, Dave understands that when their children struggle, parents struggle as well. So Dave provides support to parents who are navigating difficult challenges with their children. Dave is a contributor for Team Family, Group’s brand-new family ministry resource.