Are You Hiding Your Need to Be Needed?

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Janis was a top-notch minister. After being on staff for two
years, her ministry had grown from 35 to 150 kids. She led an
activity every day of the week. Her ministry was booming. The
church needed her. The kids needed her. And what’s more, she needed
the feeling she got from being needed.

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Janis could not not minister to other people’s kids. In fact, when
her own 5-year-old daughter asked her if she loved the other kids
more than her, Janis couldn’t really answer.

Janis recalls, “At that point, I was addicted. I was hooked.
Because my identity was ‘I’m out to save kids.’ That was who I was.
It wasn’t just something I did; it was what gave me
self-worth.”

Janis needed her ministry to make her feel that her life had
meaning. She was driven to ministry out of the void inside
her.

Janis was codependent.

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ARE YOU CODEPENDENT?
The term “codependent” has been bandied around a lot in the last
few years. What does it mean? How can you know if you’re
codependent? And if you are, what should you do about it?

First, take this simple test.

  • Do you struggle with low self-esteem even though you
    overachieve?
  • Do you feel comfortable being needed but quite uncomfortable
    admitting your needs and seeking support for yourself?
  • Do you cover up embarrassing circumstances or deny real
    problems that threaten to mar your image?
  • Do you neglect your personal life as though it didn’t matter or
    even exist?
  • Do you often say yes when you wish you could say no?
  • Do you fear that if you let go of control and stop doing more
    than enough, the people you love will leave you?
  • Do you give beyond the call of duty but often feel taken for
    granted and used?
  • Do you feel responsible for others when they don’t take
    responsibility for themselves?
  • Are you, or were you as a child, in a relationship with someone
    whose out-of-control behavior negatively affected your life?
  • Do you see yourself as being on a higher spiritual plane than
    most people?
  • Are there parts of your life or past you avoid or try to keep
    hidden?
  • At work, do you feel compelled to do more than is called for in
    your assigned job description?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may be
codependent.

WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY?
The term “codependent” was originally coined to define those whose
involvement with an alcoholic led them to react in certain ways. In
Co-Dependent No More, Melody Beattie writes, “A
codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior
affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that
person’s behavior.”

Rich Buhler, a noted radio personality, broadens the definition of
codependency to include, “Losing yourself in the needs of others.”
The first definition focuses on the cause, the second on the
effect.

Codependency is best understood in the context of dysfunctional
family systems. Family members function in relationship roles. If
one person fails to fulfill his or her role, the other members
accommodate this lack by taking on roles that balance things out.
When someone is out of control within a family, everyone
reacts.

This out-of-control behavior can be any kind of addiction or
compulsion, abusive behavior, mental illness, sometimes even a
physical handicap or disability. Those who react by trying to cover
up, appease, rescue or control the one who is out of control, play
a codependent role. This role may become the basis of their
self-image and identity. They may see themselves as the helper,
rescuer, hero, the one who holds things together in a crisis.

HOW DOES THIS AFFECT MINISTRY?
People with unresolved codependency issues will be attracted to
people and positions where they can play their familiar role.
Children’s ministry is a great place for “heroes” to find their
niche. A good children’s minister must maintain control and is
frequently needed to rescue or help families in crisis.

Codependents are compelled to overachieve just to feel acceptable.
From the outside, they appear downright saintly. Doing great things
for God or pushing themselves beyond measure can help fend off the
voice within saying “you just don’t measure up.” This also earns
them the approval they need to feel secure. What senior pastor
wouldn’t appreciate having a children’s minister who is
self-motivated and never comfortable with anything less than
excellence?

Codependents often focus on the problems and needs of others to
distance themselves from painful issues in their own lives. Keeping
busy in ministry is a great escape. There’s constant activity-plans
to make; volunteers to recruit, train and oversee; events to
coordinate; and always someone nearby with problems more pressing
than the pain they’re avoiding.

WHAT CAN I DO?
So, you may be wondering, how can I tell the difference between
unhealthy codependent behavior and healthy nurturing or Christlike
service? Here are some clues: The difference is not in how you
behave, but rather in how well you’re able to set boundaries that
allow you to care for yourself and others. If you could stop
ministering tomorrow and remain secure in God’s love, that’s
healthy. If ministry is your life and you feel you’re nothing
without doing something for God, there’s a problem.

Jesus loves the little children, ALL the little children of the
world…including the hurt little child who may be living within
you. Admitting you’re codependent doesn’t mean you need to leave
children’s ministry and stop rescuing others or taking care of the
children in your ministry. It simply means you need to allow the
Lord to heal the pain of your past so your children’s ministry
includes ministering to God’s child living within you, as well as
the other children you reach.

If you attend to the unresolved pain of your past, you’ll be free
to give out of abundance rather than out of a sense of being
driven. If you feel you may be codependent, get help from the
resources in the “Where to Get Help” box.

Connie Neal is author of Your 30-Day Journey to Power Over
Codependency.

WHERE TO GET HELP
Turn to these resources to get help with your codependent
issues:

*Your 30-Day Journey to Power Over Codependency by C.W.
Neal, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Box 141000, Nashville, TN
37214-1000, 800-251-4000.
*Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, HarperCollins
Publishers, Box 588, Dunmore, PA 18512, 800-331-3761.
*New Life Treatment Centers 800-227-LIFE.
*Support groups should be people who care for you, understand the
issues you’re dealing with, share your values and are willing to
press their lives into yours in an affirming way. Some support
groups are established with specific themes, such as Adult Children
of Alcoholics, Incest Survivors, Codependents Anonymous and
Al-Anon. Consult your human services directory at your local
library for support groups in your area.

Copyright© Group Publishing, Inc. / Children’s Ministry
Magazine

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