Loss and grief, just like joy and celebration, are part of life.
Throughout your years as a children's minister, you'll undoubtedly
cross paths with a tragedy involving one or more of your ministry's
children. Whether it's the death of a marriage or the unthinkable
death of a child, it's vital to be prepared in your role to support
grieving children and families. Even though our human nature drives
us to avoid sad topics such as divorce, death, terminal illness,
and miscarriage, these very situations can be your most important
moments in ministry. Your response -- and demonstration of God's
presence -- may be what helps see a family through its darkest
hour. We asked experts to offer guidelines on what to do, what to
say, and how to best support families and children experiencing
trauma. Read on for their insights.
Divorce
The U.S. Census Bureau estimates that 40 to 50 percent of
marriages will end in divorce. Split families and dual households
are a reality for many of the children in your ministry. But how do
you help a child and his or her family in the midst of divorce?
Linda Ranson Jacobs, one of the forefront leaders in the area of
children in single parent families and children in crisis and the
executive director of DivorceCare for Kids (www.dc4k.org), offers this
advice.
Good Move
- Children need acceptance. Children in a newly divorced family
need attention and loving arms. They need to know that they're safe
and that the church will welcome them regardless of their
circumstances. Many children have expressed that they feel cast
aside by the church after the divorce. Call kids weekly. They may
miss a lot due to visitation schedules, but they still need to know
they belong to your church and that you welcome them -- no matter
how many times they miss.
- Single parents need support. Single parents need understanding.
Almost every newly separated or divorced single parent is under a
tremendous amount of stress. Some are almost incapable of parenting
at this time, so walk beside them and be there to assist with
day-to-day living -- offering to pick up groceries, taking care of
the children while the parent looks for a job, being on the
emergency call list at the child's daycare or school.
- Families need practical help. Sometimes families need financial
help, but be careful not to take away their dignity. Many children
are embarrassed by their parents' divorce and they're cognizant
that they don't have the finances to take part in many church
activities. Provide "backstage" ways they can take part in all
activities through anonymous gifts. Remember that even purchasing a
workbook for a Bible study may be out of the reach of some single
parents. Also, help kids purchase gifts for their parents on their
birthdays or holidays. Imagine how disconcerting it is to be a
child of 8 or 9 with no way of providing a gift for your parent's
birthday.
- Families need prayer. Pray, pray, pray for divorcing families.
Learn about children of divorce. Develop an empathetic heart toward
these families. Help other adults understand the loss these
children and families feel.
Bad Move
- Watch your boundaries. It's inappropriate to try to take over a
single parent's life. Don't pity children from single-parent homes.
They need your empathy, not your sympathy. It's also very
inappropriate to try and arrange the single parent with dates.
- Avoid promoting false hope. Don't pray with the child that a
parent will return home. Instead, pray for practical things. Little
girls worry about their daddies' practical needs. Little boys worry
about their moms being strong enough to take care of things.
(That's great insight!)
Welcome Words
"I'm so sorry this is happening to you. How can I help?" "It's
not your fault that your Mom/Dad left." "You are loved, and I'll
always be here to talk to you and be your friend."
What-Were-You-Thinking Words
"You'll get over this." "You're better off." "He/She was a loser
anyway. You can do much better." "God never gives you more than you
can handle." "I understand what you're going through." "If you just
have enough faith, your Mom/Dad/spouse will come back."
A Child's Terminal Illness
A child's terminal illness is one of the most wrenching,
heartbreaking experiences a family can experience. As a children's
minister walking this unbearably difficult path alongside a family,
it may be difficult to see past your own anguish -- but these
families need you now more than ever. The Children's Hospital in
Denver, Colorado, is renowned for its quality healthcare services
and compassionate care for ill children and their families. Geri
Nelson, a licensed clinical social worker and coordinator of
bereavement services; Reverend Vanessa Owen, a staff chaplain; and
Reverend Claudia Schmitt, also a staff chaplain, collectively offer
these words of advice for children's ministers helping families
through the terminal illness of a child.
Good Move
- Focus on how the family feels. Families need you to not be
afraid of their child's illness, death, or pain. Be open enough to
simply listen without feeling the need to give advice or "make it
better." Allow families to talk about their child, tell stories,
share memories, and laugh.
- Realize that the family is suffering tremendously, regardless
of what you say or do. Offer your love and genuine care, not
solutions. There's nothing that can take away their sorrow.
Families simply need people who are willing to walk through "the
valley of the shadow of death" with them.
- Offer specific assistance. Proactive and practical help is
often overlooked, though it offers great support. The key is to
offer specific tasks you can do. "Are there groceries I can pick up
for you?" "Can I mow your lawn?" Don't assume because parents
aren't calling that they wouldn't welcome help. Make it easier for
them to accept help.
Bad Move
- Don't put responsibility on the family. Most of us at some time
have said to someone who's struggling, "Please, just let me know if
there's anything I can do." A family coping with terminal illness
and death often won't have the emotional or even physical strength
to pick up the phone and ask for help. Often, parents are so
overwhelmed they don't know what to ask for or what would be
helpful.
- Don't disappear. Be brave enough to approach a grieving family.
Many people say that after the loss of their child, people
disappear. Friends and family stop calling. Workmates turn the
other way. Confronting grief is an incredibly difficult and scary
thing to do; that's why avoiding it is a common coping tool. Grief
must be attended to -- by the one who's grieving and the community
surrounding that person. By simply showing up with care and
compassion, you've extended a precious gift.
- Don't try to take away people's grief. We take people's grief
away when we try to defend God or supply philosophical statements
explaining away the situation. Grief is personal. There's no wrong
or right way to experience it. Change your view of grief by seeing
it as a friend and not an enemy. Grief is the natural process of
healing one's broken heart.
Welcome Words
You probably won't have the right words to say. In fact, it can
be more helpful to be compassionately present and allow parents to
express their beliefs and feelings about their child's terminal
illness rather than searching for the right thing to say.
What-Were-You-Thinking Words
Even if you believe these words, don't say them. These common
phrases will never ease a family's pain: "Your son/daughter is in a
better place now" or "God never gives you more than you can
handle." Educate yourself on the stages and symptoms of grief. Lack
of understanding often results in damaging behaviors and
statements: "You shouldn't feel like this" or "You can't think like
that."
Stillbirth and Miscarriage
Often minimized as a "lesser loss," couples and families
suffering the loss of an infant through stillbirth or miscarriage
many times feel invisible. Kathryn Jackson of Shiloh (www.watermark.org/ministry/shiloh.asp),
a unique ministry for people experiencing infertility or the loss
of an infant at Watermark Community Church in Dallas, Texas, has
ministered with her team to many families in this situation.
Good Move
- Provide long-term support. Don't stop checking on families
after one or two months. Ask -- months later -- "How are you doing?
How do you feel about things now that a couple of months have
passed?"
- Offer faith tools for parents. Provide tools for grieving
parents to use in discussing the loss with their other children.
One mom at Shiloh expressed that in her grief, she wasn't able to
get her mind together enough to articulate to her children the
truths she knew about God. She wasn't asking for children's
ministry to convey those truths to her kids, but to instead give
her and her husband an avenue for communication with helpful tips
from ministry.
- Offer "been-there" supportive connections. Ask parents if
they'd like to connect with someone in your ministry who's had a
similar experience. The Shiloh ministry has a group of volunteers
who meet one-on-one with people who request it. These volunteers
have experienced similar trials and have a special heart for
ministering to others experiencing this loss.
- Sensitize your congregation. Find ways to educate your
congregation on sensitivity and ministering to those grieving.
We've found that simply sharing stories of God working amidst grief
in our weekly news has a profound impact and heightens people's
awareness.
- Acknowledge the child. If the baby who was lost was named, use
his or her name in notes or conversations. Consider giving parents
a keepsake with the baby's name on it -- a hand-painted cross or an
engraved bracelet charm. A tree or flowering bush or donation to a
special charity are also sweet gifts.
- The bottom line is, do something. Stillbirth and miscarriage is
often a time when most people say nothing and do nothing; it's
incredibly comforting to hear someone validate your grief with a
card, a kind word, or a practical gesture of help. The simple words
"I'm so sorry for your loss" mean the most and are usually all
someone wants to hear.
Bad Move
- Don't wait to take action. Waiting to approach the family is a
mistake. Respond as quickly as possible. Seasons of grief vary in
length -- from days to years. Your window to minister may not last
long. And, what might mean a lot to someone right away might not
mean as much two weeks later.
Welcome Words
Using phrases such as, "I'm sorry you're going through such a
difficult time" and "This must be so painful for you" is a good way
to validate someone's feelings.
What-Were-You-Thinking Words
Eliminate the words "But at least…" from your vocabulary. Any
time you use these words, you're minimizing someone else's pain:
"But at least you miscarried early in your pregnancy." Don't
compare pain you or someone else has experienced: "Don't worry,
you've only been trying to have a baby for two years, and I know
another lady who tried for six before her son was born." Also,
don't talk about your own children. Avoid looking for solutions or
offering "the bright side of things": "You can always adopt,"
"Maybe you should try another doctor," or "At least you already
have a child." Don't ask personal questions: "When is your next
fertility treatment?" or "Are you going to try again?" Don't take
the things we know to be true and turn them into hurtful words:
"God's timing is perfect," "It must be God's will," Or "You just
need to turn it over to God."
A Child's Death
When a child dies, families experience trauma that's devastating
and unimaginable to most. A child's death wounds many -- family,
peers, teachers, ministers, community members -- some of whom will
never fully heal or return to life as they knew it before the
tragedy. Joanne Cacciatore, Ph.D., is a researcher at Arizona State
University and CEO of MISS Foundation (www.missfoundation.org),
an organization dedicated to providing crisis support and long-term
aid to families after the death of a child. Cacciatore knows
firsthand what it means to experience this tragedy. After the death
of her daughter in 1994, Cacciatore dedicated herself to
researching and supporting families in this situation. "I said to
myself," recalls Cacciatore, "If I get through this -- if I
actually survive this -- because you really do question whether or
not you're going to live, the pain is so physical -- I'm going to
help some people." Here's her advice.
Good Move
- Seek education and professional support. Educate yourself, your
ministry team, and the parents of surviving children on grief.
You'll be dealing with grief from all sides -- the family's,
classmates', teachers', and yours. The better you understand it,
the better you'll be able to help others.
- Be age-appropriate in your response. For younger kids, it's
important to include all children -- if they want to participate --
in rituals such as the funeral. Provide access to information for
parents about children's grieving. When an adolescent dies,
surviving peers turn more to friends than adults. Adolescents are
very reliant on their peers for support. Facilitate discussion or
support groups so kids have an opportunity to talk. It's absolutely
critical to have a skilled facilitator present for this, someone
with specialized training in children's grief. Counselors,
therapists, and other mental health professionals can actually do
more harm than good if they're not trained.
- Create a circle of unwavering support. It's a myth that most
families split up following a child's death. That myth isn't
supported by research; conversely, most studies suggest that
families stay together after the death of a child. What's really
important to these families is social support. We know that
families who have good social support tend to have better
outcomes.
Bad Move
- Don't ignore it. It's wholly inappropriate to pretend this
tragedy didn't happen. If a child dies and you go back to business
as usual, you're being very unwise. In order for families, you,
your team, and the children in your ministry to move forward,
engage, and function, everyone needs to identify his or her
individual loss.
- Don't offer lopsided support. Don't focus all your care,
compassion, and support on surviving children and forget about the
parents. Entire family systems are adversely affected by a child's
death. You can provide all the help and support in the world to a
grieving child, but if you send him or her back to a family that's
not been supported, the result is dysfunction.
- Take care of practical needs. It's hard for parents to cook,
clean, or focus on the day-to-day, mundane things of life.
Ministries must come together to provide for the family while not
intruding on private time. Make meals, deliver them, and leave.
Take surviving siblings to the zoo for the day so parents can have
quiet time to grieve. Clean their house. During this emotional
tumult and trauma, practical interventions can be extremely
helpful.
Welcome Words
The baseline for understanding how to talk to a family is that
this is a tragedy that'll last this family as long as they're on
earth. The effects of a child's death are forever. Do say, "I'm so
sorry," "I can't imagine" and "I'll be here for you now, six months
from now, and six years from now."
What-Were-You-Thinking Words
There aren't words in the English language to describe what
happens to a family when a child dies. There's nothing you can say
to fix the situation. Don't try to come up with wise words and
avoid platitudes. Avoid saying things such as "God only takes the
best," "Everything happens for a reason," or "Time will heal all
wounds." Those are trite attempts to justify why this awful,
unthinkable tragedy could've struck. It's best for people who are
trying to be of support to not say anything at all, but to instead
be wholly present.
Emergency Response Handbook for Children's
Ministry
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